Sunday, October 09, 2005

Bush Finally Gets OBL

The following is a piece of speculative fiction or satire, take your pick but you had better get a freaking Mommy Note to read it. As for those moonbats who happen to miss this disclaimer, take out a loan for your therapy now because if you comment in the style of those clueless wonders over at DU, I will not pay your shrink bills and you will run crying from the computer when I am finished with you. Enough said, enjoy the piece.

After four years of hunting OBL, the President finally got his man...maybe. Seems the region of Pakistan that was hit by an earthquake recently is also the place that OBL is suspected to be hiding. The Pakistan government knows he is there, the Afghanistan government knows he is there, but more importantly the United States government knows he is there.

The President at the urging of Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and others decided to dust off the United States Earthquake Generation Machine or USEG. Since it is trials during last December were so successfully analysts predicted it would be only a matter of time before USEG became a standard option in the United States arsenal. Due to recent software refinements (i.e.: not using Microsoft products), the target zone was able to be smaller then in previous deployments of the weapon.

While the human cost will certainly be very high to Pakistan and India, this "reporter" has learned of a secret handshake agreement between the leaders of the United States, Pakistan and India. It was decided just hours before the quake that OBL and his al-Qaeda network proved to too dangerous to the entire planet and that he should be eliminated post haste.

Once the agreement was in place, an executive order was issued and the command given to the USEG team to begin planning for the seismic attack. Rumor has it that President Bush and Vice-President Cheney had to flip a coin to decide who would press the fire button. As they say, “It’s better to be lucky then good” and the President won the best of three coin flips. The Vice-President tried unsuccessfully to argue interference by the table on the final and deciding flip but was quickly overruled by the Joint Chiefs of Staff members present.

Once the weapon was fired and the 7.6 earthquake rumbled across the region spy satellites quickly zoomed in to provide a ringside seat to the destruction. While the President will surely take some major criticism for the attack, it was pointed out by the White House spokesperson Scott McClellan that often in history it is the case that many may die in pursuit of a greater goal. While most news organizations have been too shocked to comment on this turn of events there is one group that is surprisingly supportive.

Al Jazeera praised Bush for finally having a pair of testicles and compared his actions to that of the prophet Mohammad. “He saw a way to slay his enemy and did not concern himself with the cost of innocent lives. Mohammad took the same actions in his pursuit of an Islamic Empire,” said spokesperson Ali Akbar. Akbar also added, “The streets of America will run red with the blood of innocents in response to this action,” in my humble opinion this confirms that you just cannot please some people.

It remains to be seen how this will affect the United States standing in the world but I will predict that our enemies and pretend allies (yes I am talking about France and Germany) will be quite a bit more cautious in their dealings with this country.

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