Saturday, December 10, 2005

The Bill of Rights (ACLU Style)

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, but we will sue like hell everytime we feel that Christianity is daring to show its' ugly, exclusionary and morally indignant head. Further, we shall demand that tax payers cover our court costs.

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed, but we don't really care and won't defend this amendment one bit, however we swear to work towards giving the criminals that prey on law abiding citizens more consideration.

Amendment III
The death penalty shall not be enacted upon those born and legally convicted of a crime. The unborn and citizens being preyed upon by criminals deserve less consideration than the victims of our uncaring Republican controlled world.

Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized, no matter what circumstances may arise, and this applies especially to people that the government believes may be acting against the safety and security of these United States and its' citizens. This really, REALLY applies in the case of people suspected of trafficking in child porn or acting in support of "terrorist" organizations.

Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation, unless that person is George W. Bush, then he shall be tried for War Crimes in the public arena using false information. Further, this Amendment shall extend to any person on the whole of the Earth that wishes to accuse the Bush Administration of any number of wild allegations such as claiming to have been captured by the CIA and held in Afghanistan.

Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense,especially when we can use the trial for publicity. Further, people convicted should not only retain the ability to cast votes in elections, but should also be afforded those things which honest citizens must work hard to pay for, such as cable television and workout equipment.

Amendment VII
Child Porn, while being a heinous crime, should be, once created, a protected form of free speech, and should not be used as evidence.

Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, unless such fines are levied upon rich corporations that have been sued by our ideological bretheren in the militant enviromental movement. Cruel and unusual punishments include no cable TV, being forced to sleep on a floor, and being deprived of pornographic material.

Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, unless those "rights" need to have a new definition placed upon them due to changing social mores, chief among them being the Right to Not be Offended, ever.

Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people, unless we feel it imperative to override the states right to choose and take an issue to the Supreme Court of The United States, thereby making a states right into a federal decree. In fact, the rights of the state are of little concern to us, as we believe that achieving our goals through judical activism is the only way we will ever get our purely seditous agenda enacted in this country.

There ya' have it. Any suggestions?

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